Meanings:
Just because Steve Bannon was let go as White House chief strategist doesn't mean he can't keep giving the President terrible ideas.
Transcript:
Passing anything will get the news off the growing russia
Scandal.
Remember former trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort?
Remember that guy?
Well, we just found out that Manafort currently has three
U.S. Passports, and he used a phone and email account
Registered under a fake name.
"Hello?
Paul Manafort?
No, my name is Good Guy Mcinnocentfella.
I'm bad at this."
( laughter ) ( piano riff )
They haven't released what that fake name is, but apparently
Manafort's internet password was "bond007."
( laughter ) his catchphrase: "Bond... Can
Someone please post Bond?
I don't want to go to jail."
( cheers and applause ) that's quality.
Quality.
( piano riff ) doesn't really strike me as a
He looks more like a bond villain.
Paul Manafort, in "from russia with cash."
His character's name?
Putin galore.
( laughter ) >> jon: whoa, whoa!
>> stephen: putin.
According to mueller's indictment, Manafort "used
Hidden offshore cash to buy property, including a
Condominium in new york's soho neighborhood."
Soho?
Everybody knows all the cool money laundering has moved out
To Brooklyn.
( laughter ) and it gets even shadier
Because, according to the indictment, Manafort committed
Fraud by claiming his daughter lived at the apartment while he
Was actually "charging thousands of dollars a week on airbnb."
He's a political fixer for billionaire strongmen, but he
Still needs to make a buck on the side?
( laughter ) that's like finding out o.j. Is
Driving his bronco for uber.
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
>> jon: don't get in that one!
You don't want to be in there!
You might not get home on time!
( applause ) >> stephen: apparently the
White house is spooked by mueller's
Indictments.
For the first time, "the prospect of impeachment is
being considered as a realistic outcome and not just a liberal
Fever dream."
Come on, that's not a liberal fever dream.
A liberal fever dream is listening to npr while having a
Three-way with an endangered rhino and bernie sanders on a
Pile of quinoa while mcsweeney's publishes your list of ten
Reasons whole foods is like a jonathan franzen novel.
( laughter ) that's a fever dream!
( laughter ) long sentence is what that was.
A very long sentence.
Things are getting so bad that former white house adviser and
What your doctor has you look at if your erection lasts longer
Than four hours, Steve Bannon
( Cheers and applause ) is urging the president to
Defund mueller's investigation.
Oh, come on!
Mueller doesn't need your money.
Trump's so unpopular, mueller could fund this investigation
With an open guitar case.
( laughter ) ( applause )
♪ hang down your head steve bannon ♪
( laughter ) ( applause )
But the president hasn't taken bannon's advice.
Instead, he's listening to friends like newsmax exec,
Christopher ruddy, who said.
Of bannon, "I like Steve, but his advice is not always the
Most helpful.
Whatever Steve says, the president should do the
Opposite."
So... Be a black supremacist?
>> jon: oh, my.
( piano riff ) >> Stephen: but Trump's not
Worried.
He's not sweating this one.
That's why, yesterday, he called a "new york times" reporter to
Project an air of calm over the charges.
"Hello, failing 'New York times,' I just wanted you to
Know that I'm not at all worried about the thing that I
Called you up to tell you that I'm not even thinking about.
( laughter ) I don't know why you called me
To talk about it."
Adding -- and this is true -- "I'm not under
Investigation, as you know ."
Yeah, they're just rounding up all your friends and family and
Asking them questions about you
Maybe Robert Mueller's planning you a surprise party
They're going to give you an orange jumpsuit and a new pair
Of bracelets.
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
( piano riff ) >> stephen: when asked about
His greatest accomplishments, trump said,
"I just got fantastic poll numbers."
Really?
Mr. President, I know you love your golf, but in this game, the
Low number doesn't win.
In fact, according to a new poll by the american psychological
Association, "59% of americans said this is the lowest point in
U.S. History they can remember."
Of course, that could be for many reasons.
Donald Trump...
( laughter ) keep in mind, this survey
Included people who lived through "world war II, the
Vietnam war, the cuban missile crisis, and the september 11
Terrorist attacks."
And each group all said, "now is the worst time."
To be fair, everyone they surveyed had just watched the
-- I know people are bummed out but I want to give our nation
Hope because I believe in many ways this is the best time in
Our nation's history.
What ways?
Glad you asked.
America is better now than it's ever been before.
Consider this: there are more "fast and furious" movies than
At any point in history.
Rock, tyrese, patch things up.
We have more Oreo Flavors than anyone ever wanted.
And if you traveled back in time and showed ulysses s. Grant your
Smart phone, he would be amazed... At how much porn you
Have on there.
Also, thanks to that technology, you can be anywhere on the
Planet and immediately look up what the "e" stands for in chuck
E. Cheese.
By the way, it stands for "entertainment."
His full name is "charles entertainment cheese."
( laughter ) ( applause )
That is insane.
So chin up, america.
Things are going to be okay, and I am going to keep saying that
Until I believe it
( laughter ) we've got a great show for you
Tonight
